Be careful what you wish for. You may just get it. I never really understood that saying until yesterday. You see I have literally had an iphanny. A light bulb moment that lit up my grieving brain.
I have a big red notice board in my bedroom. And on it, I keep all sorts of postcards, notes, and what I call my "To do list". It has sort of been my bucket list which has been rolling forward for about 4 years now.
I started the list after realising that I had no set goals or plans and in a way, I guess I needed to see if this whole laws of attraction thing I had seen, was just a load of nonsense or if I really could make myself get things on a list. It was initially on an A4 scrap of paper, with some badly scribbled notes.
I started off with some pretty straightforward stuff.
- Get a fruit bowl for the table.
You would think this could be simple right? Wrong! Firstly I still have that item on my list. Why? Well I haven't found the one I want. I have settled for one in the meantime. A compromise of a bowl that holds fruit but to be honest, I want a statement piece. Yes, yes, I know. Its a bowl. But the point is the list is my want list. And I want a spectacular bowl. I will know it when I see it. Not ticking that one.
Anyway back to that light bulb moment.
I was looking at the board yesterday, and it suddenly hit me. Like a bus. Like a train. It was so clear as day and I had been looking at it for months.
Virtually everything on that list was crossed off. With the exception of me being picky about a bowl.....And it took a catastrophic event in my life to get those things done!
My mother leaving my life.
- Go to South Africa.
- Visit my family.
- See long lost family.
Well those 3 things got ticked right off the list. With just one phone call from SA at 5am.
Funerals and death has this uncanny way of bringing long lost family and friends together. Not only did I get to see my brother who I had not seen for 13 years, but I also got to see cousins and auntys and uncles and friends from childhood. People I thought I would never ever see again. Tick. Tick. Tick.
- See my Mom.
Tick. In her coffin. Not what I had expected. (And not until 10 months later would I realise how profound that request would be).
- Spend time with my children. Tick.
I took a month in South Africa to see my family and really did get time to spend with my children. Mourning. Not quite how I had wanted this to go. But Tick.
- Get a job with office hours.
This one was easy. So easy. Work yourself into the ground for a boss who doesn't care about you, then mix in a huge dose of grief and add an extra pinch of being very, very home sick and ta daaaaa you have practically lost your job! Well not lost. But just not interested. Not committed. Just a zombie in a chair with no purpose. Its not me to be like this. I resign.
I find the office job. With thanks to what I perceieve is a sign from my dead Mother. I leave the interview with a huge brown
Owl staring at me from a balcony opposite the building I have just come out of. It's a sign. I googled it. I am convinced. (I am later to discover just what a desperate moron I am).
I land up working in an office. Tick.
- spend weekends with family. Tick.
6 weeks of hell. It turns out I went to work for a lunatic. And just to let you in on a little secret, I chose to ignore the fact that google mainly says that the sign of the owl is a bad omen. It is sent to tell you of evil. I chose to find the one stupid website that said it was the dead sending us a sign of good things to come. But that doesn't make me the moron either.
I walked past that building 5 months later after attending an interview for another job. In retail. (Another story). To discover that my "sign", my owl was still purched in the exact same spot! Its fake. It was placed on the banister to chase away pigeons who shit on the stairs. Now that is surely a sign. Stay away from shit. I am such a moron.
- stay at home or retire.
Tick. Unemployable. Mind fucked and I am going nowhere slowly. I have reduced myself into a snivelling mess at best. Confidence rocked. And in a mind buzz that had me staring at walls all day. Could this be the
- go somewhere different?
I am technically on another planet. Yip tick that one too.
- get my licence.
- buy a car.
I take a job at a care company. Looking after old people. Ladies. I request women only. I have this deep need to care for an old lady. Yip, where was reason when I needed it. Great warning lights should have been going off in my head. Nope. On Planet Tracey still.
To get the job I need a car. To get the car I need the licence. Take one South African licence, send it to UK licence people. UK licence people send back UK licence. Simple. That took me 6 years. FFS. The stuff I have to go through to get things done around here!
Get car. Unemployed. Hmmmm.
Oh yes, Mom. She left me some money.
Tick. I have a car.
4 weeks later and I realise none of these women are my mother. No amount of feeding them, chatting to them is going to make this horrid pain go away. Not to mention that I have some irritating manager sending all over the place in a hurry when all I really want to do is sit down with these people and talk and spend some time with them. And make me feel better. And see my Mom. Bad idea. Where the hell was that red flag when I needed it.
- start my business.
This one was easy. You see I always have a back up plan. Deep down in my drawer. Literally. I have a business. I had tucked it away for a rainy day. I had kept it for the time when my husband would be able to support us financially and I could risk giving up my job. Well, we had a tsunami on our hands. There was no me in a job. As good a time as any to bring the business back to life. And I am pretty good at it. Tick.
- make more friends.
Now this one blew me right out of the water. The tsunami water, that is. I can gladly say that I have ticked that one, over and over and over this year. I have had some incredible people I truly never expected to show up in my life. And they literally saved me. From drowning, and from the debris I hit along the way. Tick. Tick. Tick. I have certainly made some awesome friends.
But looking back on all of this yesterday and the many other items I have had on that list I came to realise something really important.
Be flipping more specific!
What I mean is, who writes "See Mom"!!
Ffs I just let the universe add on whatever it wanted. In hindsight I should have written, watching Mom drinking Amarula in my sisters garden every Christmas for the next 30 fucking years! How hard could that have been!
So I am not saying that I am some sort of prophet who writes stuff down and it miraclously happens . But sometimes life can be a little self fulfilling. So be extra careful. Just in case.
Some pretty big things got ticked off on that list, though. Things I never ever thought would happen in 2014. The thing is this. I only truly understand now, how important it is to be very specific about what you want and how you plan to get it. My wish list was certainly granted. But in the most devastating way possible. It took the passing of my mother to make me either determined to get things done on that list or fate acting, in what now seems like a really cruel way.
There are many other things on that list which were able to be ticked off last year. Some utterly incredible. Like getting to go to Mexico.
And be a better wife. That one started today.
In fact, the list is no longer on the board. Most of it is done. Well, in progress anyway.
I have decided that this year I would be a lot more specific about what it is I want.
And its really just one thing. Ok maybe two or three things. But mainly
- Happiness. In everything.
- Lots of love.
- Excellent health for me and my family.
Oh....and our own house would be cool. At no one elses expense, i.e. no deaths, no disasters, no dramas. Thank you.
Happy New year everyone. Wishing you only good things for 2015!