Moving through the fog

It seems to be another long gap between my blogs. To be honest I have woken up today to realise that I have been wondering around in a thick fog for the past 7 months and now I am on my way out of it.

You see it was about 7 months ago that I realised I needed some medical intervention to cope with the issues I was facing and so I went to see my doctor. He prescribed Citalopram. I have been on it before and knew at the time that there was very little choice. It was either the meds or I was going to go off my mind.

2013 started off with a bang.  I had decided I needed to change my job. I had just been through a very busy and stressful Christmas and I needed a change.  My husband had been made redundant, and we couldn't afford our rent or bills.

So we moved. Into a flat with a friend of my husband. Privacy adjustment and sharing someone Else's home. Tricky. Newly weds living In a bachelor pad.  With a cat that had no place or space.

I managed to get a new job. Great place. Horrible people. Took a drop in salary. And struggled to fit in. I just did what I had to. I had been pegged into retail and there was no way out!

Then my mom got sick. 6000 miles away. I had no money to go and visit her and I was listening to other people, how she was facing one medical incompetence after another. In the end she was almost undone by a simple medical procedure that she never needed in the first place.  I sat here, not knowing if I was ever going to see her again. I sat here knowing she desperately needed me and I was here. Stuck.

And then my visa was due to expire. And we had no money. Husband unemployed.  My salary barely covering our bills. My status in the country on the line. Friends and family had to be called for help. The humiliation of asking people for money and not knowing how or when it was going to be paid back. Saved. But indebted and no clue how to sort it out.

The harassment and bullying I endured daily at work.  Having my self confidence in my job stripped from under me. Being left out. Ostracised.  Ignored. Belittled. Soul destroyed.

I missed my family. I needed my friends. I needed my mother.  I wanted my children.  I was here. Stuck. Not sure how to fix it.

By May, I was a mess.  Not sure if I could continue to go on. Lost faith in the world. Just lost the will to get out of bed. My days off, spent in bed.  It was time for help. Enter the fog.

The meds are pretty good. That's if you want time to check out. Or you just need to care about nothing. But Obviously going down the rabbit hole has its draw backs. At the start you are left with insomnia.  Ticking. For me it was the constant compulsion to move my foot. Then the cramps.  Sharp pains. Headaches and finally the fog.

Without realising it I was simply turning into a zombie. Getting up every day.  Facing all barrage of crap and not giving a damn. Going back to sleep.

In the middle I was shuffling through the days no use to anyone.  Lost my libido.  Drove my husband almost insane.  2 mad people, imagine that! Incompetent. Impotent.  Incoherent.  An Idiot.

Memory loss, hazy days. Not being able to compile or stick to a todo list. Falling through every day.  Praying its going to all be ok. Luck.

Well a year has past since that crazy Christmas a year ago that set everything in motion. And guess what. Nothing much has changed.  In fact it's worse. I have just come through another dreadful Christmas.  Missed my family more than ever. Had some serious doubt about my abilities. And so I sit here a day before the end of 2013.

And I realise, I have personally been to hell and back this year.  Part of it I did in a zombie medicated state. Part of it I did in a state of panic. Either way its time to put the year to rest. Bury it and find my way out the fog.

As I come off the tablets which have possessed me for the last few months the trip out of the rabbit hole is the worst. Paranoia.  Very violent dreams.  Agitation.  Depression. Feelings of self doubt. I try and keep my composure but its hard.  I am tired and I just want to be normal.  Whatever that means.

So goodbye 2013. Fuck you. You have been horrible.  You will go down with shit year 1981. 1992. 1995. 1997. 2001. 2007.  But I have survived you. I go on... where as you, you will end tomorrow.

And here is to a better 2014.